For decades, I have been fascinated by the choices we make about the stories we tell. While I was a high school student, my English teacher (who changed my life – which is a story for another day) taught me to ask a simple question: “Do I trust the narrator?”
In literature, its particularly easy to ask this question when we hear from multiple narrators.
In life, we question the telling of a story in many ways every day.
- The retelling of an old story takes on the life of its own when it moves from a story told by one individual to a collaborative effort. Last week on a family zoom call, I listened to my father and his siblings collectively recount a few of the favorite family lore stories with gentle corrections and nudges. No one person told the story – the group continued to shape it.
- We privately edit and revise our stories over time as our understanding of a story may change as we change. What might have been a painful moment at 20 years old becomes a point of pride and perseverance years later. What might have been a sweet moment suddenly sours as a relationship shifts.
- We share our version of a moment and realize that our loved one sees it completely differently. What may have been formative for them is inconsequential to us. What may have been a positive and wonderful memory for us is painful or uncomfortable for them.
Some of the reshaping of our stories happens unintentionally, but what I find particularly interesting is that we have agency in how we tell our story. We have a choice in how we see and feel an experience. Recently, Hidden Brain came out with a piece Change Your Story, Change Your Life as part of their Healing 2.0 series. It goes into the science of how we tell stories and how the telling of our story has the power to shape our lives in profound ways. Are we in the middle of the story? Is this the end or the turning point?
It is a form of art to decide where one chapter ends and another begins. And I think a business guru and children’s book have something to teach us about it.
The Miserable Middle
Rosabeth Moss Kanter, a Harvard Business School professor has long discussed how the middle always feels like failure when discussing organizational change:
“Everything looks like a failure in the middle. Everyone loves inspiring beginnings and happy endings; it is just the middles that involve hard work.”
Her wisdom applies beyond organizational change to the messy growth that is our individual journeys in leadership and learning.
The Hero of Your Story
One of my kids’ current favorite books is called, “I Will Be Fierce” by Bea Birdsong. It’s a sweet, short little picture book. In it, the unnamed main character describes an epic Odyssey where she tames dragons, walks among giants, and eventually becomes the hero of her own story. The beautiful illustrations (by Nidhi Chanani) depict a completely average day in the life of a first-ish grader attending school. What could be mundane is an exciting story of finding her voice and choosing adventure.
Telling Your Story
When I’m coaching, we talk a lot about the power to shape your story. When you feel a sense of overwhelm, or helplessness, or being stuck, reframing your story is an effective way to claim some agency. But the reality is that it’s also a great way to reflect and put this moment in context for you.
So, what’s your story? How are you interpreting this moment? What came before and led you here?
My challenge for you is to draw a comic strip, write a short story, choreograph a dance, craft a campfire story, or find another expressive way to tell the story of 2023. Who were you before? What has led you here? What were the moments of growth? What were the moments of heartache? Who are you today?
If you, like me, have had a year full of contradictions where loss and love and the good and bad are all tangled up together, it’s not an easy task. But it’s a worthwhile one.
If you feel particularly fierce, find a time to tell the work-appropriate version with your team. Carve out space to reflect on 2023 and to mark this moment together. See what claiming agency and shaping your story can do for the way you lead and the way your team shows up in 2024 and beyond.
